The Nic-Flick Challenge: Valley Girl
My challenge kicks off with the 1983 film Valley Girl. It’s a romantic comedy starring Nicolas Cage (of course) as Randy, a Tough Guy from Hollywood who woos pretty, perfect Julie Richman from the Valley. The source material, you ask? Romeo & Juliet. Duh.
The Trailer
Our story begins on a wide-angle shot of a mid-1970s classroom film on agriculture. PLOT TWIST: It’s actually Hollywood, CA minus any identifying landmarks!
Soon we arrive at the mall food court, where Julie, the pretty blond Valley high schooler who has it all, sits with her less-important friends. Julie is bored with her polo-clad suitors and wants something different. On the way out of the mall, she passes her current boyfriend, Tommy, on the escalator. She dumps him as he passes her on the escalator (hat’s off to you, girl) and takes off.
The girls go to the beach, where Julie makes prolonged eye contact with a mysterious relative of the Coppolas. No time to figure out who it is — there’s a high school house party afoot!
Party Time!
Julie and the Other Girls arrive at Suzi’s party, where a group of Cool Teen Boys are chugging from a flask of…wine? Sure, why not.
Suddenly, the hot guy from the beach and his friend crash the party! And he’s NICOLAS CAGE — I mean Randy, a punk from Hollywood. (I guess Hollywood is shittier than the Valley? I’m from the Midwest; we don’t stick our noses in other states’ business.)
Randy is wearing a red, long-sleeved button-down shirt with a black vest and slacks. He is not a punk, he is a disheveled waiter halfway through a brutal shift at Red Lobster. Julie thinks this is hot, so they chat it up until her escalator ex Tommy decides that Women Are Things And I Own That One.
He tells Red Lobster Randy to get out of the house, Randy does not, then Brad completely kicks Randy’s ass. It’s really funny. The Polo Dudes throw Randy and Punk Sidekick out of the party. Julie does nothing.
Punk Sidekick is driving but has to pull over because Randy is freaking out. Randy jumps out of the car, then pure poetry escapes from his mouth:
“Who the fuck was that guy, huh? And I was doing alright with that chick! Who the fuck does he think he is?! NOBODY is gonna tell ME who I can SCORE WITH!!”
[Editor’s note: This is the first and only film ever produced that fails the Bechdel test with every line of dialogue.]
Revenge Time!
Randy goes back to the party and stands up to those Valley bullies with an assertive entrance! KIDDING! Randy sneaks into the bathroom window and HIDES IN THE SHOWER FOR SEVERAL SCENES. This would be creepy, but watching Nicolas Cage’s gangly arms and legs fall onto the bathroom floor is worth the entire movie.
So yeah, he hides there. A few people have sex on the counter, big whoop. Finally Julie comes in and he springs forth from the shower, which she’s fine with? They find Punk Sidekick and Julie’s Nameless Friend, then leave and go to a party in Randy’s Hollywood neighborhood.
It’s instantly clear that Randy is from The Wrong Side of The Tracks. There are neon signs, and people talking loudly! Mothers, lock up your daughters!
Randy and Punk Sidekick take Julie and Nameless Friend to a bar where no one checks IDs and there is lots of graffiti and loud music. In an odd moment of clarity, Randy says, “The things we do aren’t that different from the Valley. It’s just how we do them that makes us different.” (This resolves the film’s central conflict, but no one notices or cares.)
Cool! Love!
Julie and Randy say that they both Feel Very Connected To Each Other. They make out for probably hours, leaving Punk Sidekick and Nameless Girl to their own devices (they chase each other around a parked car — not a joke).
Julie gets home at dawn, but her parents don’t care because they are former hippies (an irrelevant detail that gets shoehorned into the story from start to finish).
Julie continues to see Randy. They have a long montage to “I’ll Stop The World” together: they make out, look at more neon signs, walk on some sidewalks. You get the idea!
Uh-Oh! Conflict!
Meanwhile, Julie is feeling pressure from her friends to go back to Tommy, the escalator ex. We are never shown this pressure, but it must be a lot, because she dumps Randy out of nowhere. Randy shows up at her house, screams at her, goes back to Hollywood and gets shitfaced before Punk Sidekick finds him puking in an alley.
Randy asks Punk Sidekick to kill him with a brick. Seems like a bad way to go, but who am I to speak for a brokenhearted Red Lobster employee? Punk Sidekick recommends Trying To Win Her Back, or as we call it in 2019, Stalking.
Randy sneaks into Julie’s car before school, pretends to work at the movie theater while she’s on a date with Tommy, does the same thing at a hot dog stand, then wakes up on her front lawn in a sleeping bag. (Somebody sat down and wrote this script. Just a reminder.)
Required 1980s Prom Scene!
Julie still won’t take Randy back, because it’s time for Prom! She seems like she hates Tommy now, but we don’t know why. We arrive at the dance, where Julie and Tommy are ushered backstage. They are about to become Prom King and Queen!
That’s when Randy shows up and beats the shit out of Tommy behind the curtain. Just absolutely ruins him. The other students and teachers can see it and no one does ANYTHING. Tommy tries to get back up and fight, but Julie and Randy start a food fight and escape.
Julie and Randy hop into the limo that Tommy bought for prom. They decide to take advantage of the hotel room that Tommy booked. Then Julie throws Tommy’s ID bracelet out the window! She is freed from the shackles of her very nice community! The scene rips off several moments from The Graduate, then the movie ends.
What We Learned:
- Dumping someone as they pass you on an escalator is the only way to do it.
- Being an ancillary character in two dudes’ macho mind games is the only way to find true love.
- Red Lobster is known for Endless Shrimp, but the family-friendly eatery has amazing deals all year round! Find the Red Lobster near you and come on down for premium service at a practical price.
